New Moon from Edward's pov
by DamnYouReality
Summary: Edward's thoughts as he speeds away from forks in New Moon. Very angsty. Songfic to "Hate Me" by Blue October


_I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head_

_Their crawling like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed_

_Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone _

_Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home_

Drops of rain poured on to my car, making sharply defined splashing sounds as they beat against my Volvo. I focused completely on the road ahead of me, trying to consume my mind with the most trivial of things. I couldn't bear to think of _her._ I hoped, with all my heart, that she would be reasonably happy without me. Someday she would say yes to someone else. Maybe that vile mike, Newton, maybe her friend Jacob, I didn't know, and tried not to wonder.

_There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain._

_An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again?_

_And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?_

_And will you never try to reach me; it is I that wanted space._

I felt a burning desire to make a reckless u-turn, and speed back to Forks, where Bella was. Where I should be. It was better, healthier, for her, if I left. She'd fall for someone who could give her everything she needed. In twenty years she might not even remember me. I thought about the photo, accompanied by the CD with her lullaby on it, that I'd left under her floorboards. Just a little memo of myself for her. Childish, I knew, but I wanted her not to completely forget me. Logically, I knew that my whole purpose was for her to move on, but deep down I wanted to be remembered by her

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do, for you_

_Hate me in ways,_

_Yeah, ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

If I could cry, I would be blinking back tears. But If I could cry, that would make me human, and there would be nothing to keep me and Bella apart. I sobbed lightly, as the thought of eternity without her occurred to me. My life was now the same pointless, barren existence it was before. But now I was too blind, and I couldn't see the small lights, points of reason to keep on going. Except one, and that was that she existed _somewhere. _I had to believe that. Or I had no reason at all not to go agitate the volturi right now.

_I'm sober now for three whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with_

_The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again_

_In my sick way, I wanna thank you for holding my head up late at night_

_While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight_

I wondered if I would ever be able to hunt again. The thought was unbearable, as it reminded me that I was a monster, and because of that I couldn't have Bella, even if I was just hunting down frail, pathetic animals. She'd always told me not to hate myself, that I didn't choose this life. And for one sweet year, I'd been able to listen. But now I loathed myself more than ever, when I didn't have her to bring out the goodness in me. I glared out the windshield, hating the world. Of course, I had to be a vampire. I had to be a soulless demon, eternally damned. If I were just a normal, human teenager, I'd have no reason to leave, to cause Bella pain, as well as sacrificing my own happiness.

_You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate_

_You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take_

_So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind_

_And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind_

I wanted so badly to call her house, to see how she was doing. I could even pretend to be Carlisle, as I had promised that I, myself, would never bother her again. But contact from "Carlisle" might get her hopes up, and hurt her more, in the end. I sped past a 7-11, where Mike Newton happened to be, and heard his thoughts. He was, once again, fantasizing about Bella. I used to scoff at these pathetic imaginings, because at the time, that's all they were at the time: imaginings. Now they were possibilities, with me out of the picture. I wanted so badly to break my windshield, and rip off my steering wheel at the very thought of Bella with Mike Newton. But as long as she got over me, and was happy, that's all that mattered.

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

_Hate me in ways_

_Yeah, ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

I pressed the gas pedal harder, desperately wanting to get to my new residence so I could find something, _anything, _to distract myself. I absentmindedly stared out the window, watching the sunset. Trying not to think about that day I'd driven, watching the sunset, with a certain companion by my side. Once again, I glared out the windshield, blocking memories with trivial, useless information I'd stored when I had nothing better to do.

_And with a sad heart, I said bye to you and waved_

_Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made_

_And like a baby boy, I never was a man_

_Till I saw your blue eyes crying, and I held your face in my hands_

As I pulled up into my cracked, filthy driveway, in front of the small, filthy, house I'd bought because I didn't deserve any better, I nearly crashed through my garage door, not paying attention. I ran over to the door, opening it, and slamming it behind me, I ran into the living room, where I already had the couch from my bedroom back home. Well, it was home, but now I would never go back to forks again. There were simply too many memories there, too painful to relive.

_And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"_

_Just make a smile, come back and shine, just like it used to be_

_And then she whispered "how can you do this to me?"_

I curled up on my familiar couch, which still had _her _scent on it. I inhaled, unnecessary and deep, shivering with momentary pleasure. I just lay there, sobbing, reliving memories I'd repressed while driving, for the sake of not crashing. I just made the biggest mistake of my life, well existence. But Bella probably hated me, and there was no reason to go back. This was the beginning of an impossibly long sixty years. I knew the only reason I didn't already commit suicide, in a form, anyways, was because somewhere, back in the little town of forks, she existed. No matter where she, or I, were, I had to believe that she was out there, somewhere, or I just couldn't function.

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

_Hate me in ways_

_Yeah, ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

_For you_

_For you_

_For you_

_For you_


End file.
